Hopefully, this post finds you all doing as well as you can under these strange times we are living under. Wherever you are in the world I am wishing you well and good fortune.
For those who are finding life a bit of a challenge, at present, I am sending you love, kindness, compassion and support across the waves of time and space.
Where Have I Been?
Quite a bit of time has past since my last entry. Until now I have been uncertain whether or not I would return.
To put you in the picture, as some will remember, I have had challenging health issues throughout my life. They have been manageable and I have had a good quality of life within limits. Unfortunately, as with everything in life, things began to change in 2016. Since then I have had a series of health concerns resulting in stays in Intensive Care (ICU) and High Dependency (HDU) Units as well as rehabilitation.
Whilst the rational and intellectual side of myself knew this would mean, at the very least, I would have to build myself back-up slowly. The emotional and, sometimes, impatient and impetuous side did not seem to grasp just how slowly or how far back I would have to go.
This is by way of saying, perhaps I started the blog too quickly after one of these episodes. Somehow, as mentioned in my first post, I was hoping by concentrating on the blog, amongst other things, it would help to give a little structure and purpose back.
The reality was I did not have it within me to keep the blog going. I struggled to get out of bed most mornings and for long periods I didn’t unless I had to. This created worry that I was lazy, had no focus or purpose and I was scared I would not have a life, again, beyond my bedroom walls.
This dramatic decline over the last few years with no guarantee of recovery has not just been scary. It has left so much uncertainty as to where to go from here, what is reasonable to expect of life from now and where are my limits of capacity? Adjustments are in the small things such as struggling to stay awake long enough to do anything. It is in the bigger things like long-term plans; what does the future hold?
A Way Forward
Over time, however, I realised what was needed was acceptance. Acceptance of where I was emotionally and physically and, it has to be said, intellectually I was not working at even a previously minimal level.
I needed patience in abundance to give space and time to heal as best as I could and still, I am healing.
As I also previously said, things have been improving. In recent weeks I have found myself automatically getting out of bed in the morning. I have energy and interest for other things and people. I have stopped having the TV on almost none stop which I was sleeping through. I have given myself space to expand and grow my life once more.
Again, however, I have to recognise the progress I am talking of is within even narrower limits than before. I have yet to have any inkling of previous levels of energy or capacity. Although I have to be very honest and say I am particularly lucky; many people who have experienced the challenges I have had over the last few years have had far worst outcomes.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Sometimes we can be too hard on ourselves. As it happens I was not being lazy or lacked focus with no purpose. The truth was, every part of me needed a break and if I wasn’t going to take one my body enforced it. Given the outcome, I am glad my body said,’NO’. I understand that I am no longer the young thing that bounced back after each blow. Now there is need of rest and recuperation with almost every little health concern. Making such allowances provides better outcomes in the long term. Acceptance and self compassion is the name of the game.
It is important for us all to look after ourselves as well as others. A little self love, compassion, kindness and support goes a long way. Even those of us who have responsibilities for others should remember a vessel which is empty cannot give. Be gentle with yourself as well as others.
What of the Blog
As for the blog? Whilst in the midst fo struggling with health concerns and wondering what the future holds the blog seemed to be beyond me. I could not find anything to write about nor had I the conifidence to do so. It is so strange how the human body and mind work. If one is out of kilter the other is invariably affected in some way or other. The thought of the blog was overwhelming at times for no apparent reason.
Lately however, I have been mulling over what I could write and whether I wanted to keep going or not. Today seemed to be a turning point. Someone noted it had been some time since my last post. To this I agreed and I said I thought the blog wasn’t too bad to which they agreed. It seemed like a light turned on and suddenly I knew what I was going to write today.
So here we are together again; my writing and you reading. Who knows where this will take either you or I; if anywhere? Yet I am ready to try again and get something going between us. Please come join me if you can or would like.
Work in Progress
In my absence I have not been fully without crocheting or knitting. Although progress has been glacial.
For me, right now, it is not the speed of the projects or demonstrating how wonderful I am at complex stitches, designs or colour combinations. It is taking one step at a time and proving to myself that I am able to complete something.
To this end I am in the middle of an important project. After leaving ICU in 2016 I asked one of my brothers to bring my knitting to the hospital. I had a fancy that by digging into something I had known well it would help my cognitive recovery as well as manual dexterity and focus.
The first item was a jacket I completed in hospital. It was therapeutic as I had thought. Though it was not my greatest achievement as a garment. I have never worn it as I got one of the arms wrong and have never resolved to fix it. Somehow it serves as a memory of how far down I had gone but how far back up I got by perseverance.
At different points it has looked like I would never have the capacity to do anything again; yet here I am.
The second item I started during this period was another jacket which I am sure some will remember from visiting during the 2016 hospital stay.
It is the jacket I am working on at present. You can imagine it has had a chequered history of being intensely concentrated on, ignored, progressed and frogged. There were times when it was frogged, when I am sure it didn’t have to but my ability to think clearly was not at its’ best. The last time I frogged I had been making the two fronts at the same time. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, toward finishing I decided I did not think they either looked right or were neat enough and I pulled them both out.
It has been suggested to me that I should just frog the whole garment and move on. This would not give me the sense of closure and reassurance that I feel finishing will. To be clear, I have done other projects in between but not finishing this one nags at my confidence and ability still.
So here I am knitting the Hayfield’s Swing Jacket in Bonus Aran Tweed; colour Ginger (762). There is a front and a half left to do and I can already see myself wearing it.
Come Join Me!
It would be good to hear what has helped you through challenging times? Have you projects which have special meaning for you?
Please feel free to drop your story in the comments.
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Bye for Now
Take care and best wishes to all.
The Bifo Kid's Yarns 